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Hotwife Couples: Drop the Ego!

Updated: Jun 29, 2021

Let me preface this post by saying this: Brian and I were ABSOLUTELY the egotistical hotwife couple when we began in the lifestyle....

Everything came so easily to us. Brian would throw posts online for someone to engage with me, and we would receive 30 or more responses in a day. By the time we actually selected a guy or two to meet in person, Brian's email would have over 100 guys eager for the opportunity to play. And that has a way of messing with your head. It makes you (or least it made us) believe that as the hotwife, as the sought-after woman in the dynamic, the couple holds allll the power. After all, if one of these single guys doesn't like how we handle something, there are 99 others lining up behind them.

Now, there is some truth to this. There are a lot of jerk single guys out there that behave poorly, and our mentality has always been, "Oh well, there are lots of other opportunities out there." And we stand by this statement. But there's an underlying assumption that can be made my couples when they hear such a thought: Single guys are expendable. There's the issue....

On our podcast, we host a segment called "Single Guy Tip of the Week," in which we share some of the more egregious things single guys say or do when we are interacting with them digitally or when we first meet them in person. We decided on this segment for two reasons: One, couples would be more likely to spot the red flags when dealing with guys on their own, and two, single guys would take away some tips for positive interactions with couples in the lifestyle. We have had SOOOO many people, guys and couples alike, reach out and say how much they enjoy "Single Guy Tip of the Week." But there's also been an unfortunate side effect of the segment that needs to be discussed...

Especially lately, we have had several couples reach out and say things like, "Oh man, do I have a Single Guy Tip of the Week for you," followed by a story that absolutely does not illustrate that the single guy was being a jerk. Case in point: A couple reached out about an interaction they had with a single guy. The couple started laying out their ground rules, and all of a sudden, the guy seemed to be less and less interested. First, I must say the couple had MANY rules, and while there is nothing wrong with boundaries and clearly expressing them, you also must be aware of the fact that some guys will be turned off by having so many things they must adhere to. I then followed up by asking them, "How did he lose interest? Was he rude?" Their response was, "No, but he didn't want to look us in the eyes anymore and made it clear that he was ready to cut the meeting short."

Couples do this to both singles and couples in the lifestyle all the time. They meet someone(s), have a drink, and realize through conversation that it's not a good fit. Maybe the chemistry is off, or maybe they share an interest that isn't in alignment. Are these bad people if they make it obvious that the interest just isn't there? Not in my opinion. So, why is it that a single guy doing the same thing is seen as so heinous?

The honest answer? Ego. Couples hold the perceived power between themselves and single guys, so wielding that power feels totally acceptable. They know that eventually they will find a single guy who is willing to jump through all of their hoops to play with the wife, even if said hoops are unfair or rude.

An even worse byproduct of this wielding of power is that single guys begin to feel expendable themselves when they are treated as such by couples. They feel like a human sex toy, something to be played with and then left to the side. If a couple is going to treat them disrespectfully, what's the benefit of them treating couples with respect? And so, a toxic cycle is created. Couples treat single guys badly, single guys treat other couples badly, and those couples, even if they have the best of intentions, are left with a very sour taste in their mouth. They no longer want to engage with single men, and change their swinging profiles to say things like, "Single guys, move along." They don't want to interact with single men at events, so hosts are forced to either charge more for single guys or eliminate them from the equation altogether.

For those of us who honestly love interacting with single guys, this is a serious issue. We don't want a lifestyle scene that leaves out a portion of the population we enjoy engaging with. And in my opinion, it's the responsibility of every single lifestyle couple to stop this from continuing. I have always recommended, or even pleaded, for couples to start calmly and respectfully providing feedback for single guys when they behave badly. An example, in the past, if a guy reached out with a lazy "Hey" as his opening message, I would simply ignore him altogether. Now, I take the time to say something like, "Hey, thank you for the message. I must tell you, I really like engaging with guys, hence me being on this platform. And I put a lot of effort into doing so. I ask for that same effort in return, because it creates a very mutually beneficial connection when both parties do it. Might we start over? I need a little more than 'Hey.'"

Does it work every time? Absolutely not. But at least I then know that I have done my part. I have acted with respect and empathy toward said single men, and I have allowed them to respond in accordance with their personal sense of right and wrong. In other words, I haven't let my ego as the "sought-after hotwife" cloud my ability appreciate people.

So, hotwife couples, drop the ego! Be understanding of the fact that we all want to participate in this lifestyle for the same reason: To have fun! And respectful interactions are always more fun than ones in which someone is left feeling taken advantage of. This doesn't mean you should take any shit from the jerks, but you absolutely should give the benefit of the doubt to the good guys. It will be to your benefit, as well as to the next couple he comes into contact with!

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