An Ugly Truth of Swinger Events

This could potentially be our most controversial blog topic to date, but it needs to be said. So, here it goes…

Swinger event hosts have a secret they don’t want you to know. Or maybe they could care less if you know. Because the reality is, many lifestylers would (or do) still go to their events even if they’re aware of this “dirty little secret.” Are you ready to hear what it is?

Women are used as bait by lifestyle events. Plain and simple. Event hosts and promoters know that women are the ones that are sought-after, and that both partnered and single men are eager to engaged with them at lifestyle events. This is exhibited in a plethora of different ways:

1. Creepy, misogynistic themes. Wet t-shirt contests for women only. Naughty schoolgirl nights. Ladies get a discount for showing up with no panties.

2. Single women, despite themselves often being issues at lifestyle events, are not only welcomed with open arms at events, but they often get in at huge discounts or even for free!

3. Different expectations in dress according to event hosts. Men are asked to dress in “business casual” attire or suits. Women are often told to “dress provocatively,” or “in as little as possible.”

And the list goes on….

Brian made a great point recently. He comes from the club world, with decades of experience in hospitality. He ran many clubs over the years that had ladies’ night specials. Why? Because men know that ladies will be in attendance in larger numbers and will therefore attend themselves. The business views it as a win-win: Ladies get discounts, men get to hit on ladies, and the bar makes money. But as soon as he used this example and related it to the lifestyle, I realized one very important element: Do women understand that they are being commodified? Sure, you get a free or discounted cover, maybe drink for less than you normally would, but at what cost? You are immediately surrounded by men that are there specifically to meet you with the hopes of engaging with you (sexually or otherwise). Are you consenting to that by showing up to ladies’ night? I doubt most women think of it like that.

Lifestyle clubs are very much the same. Let’s use the “no panties for a discount” example. Men look at the promotions for such an event and think to themselves, “That’s awesome, I’m going to be in a room surrounded by women who aren’t wearing panties!” And some of the scummier guys will follow up that thought with, “Which means it will be even easier for me to get my hands on them!” There is a certain level of entitlement in this thinking that puts women at risk, and I think it’s gross.

Worse yet, you have club owners and event hosts charging single guys through the nose to get into events. Why? Because they claim it will keep the “less desirable” single men out. It weeds out the guys that cause problems at events. Totally logical, except not at all. If I’m a creepy, disrespectful single man who doesn’t get a lot of attention in my normative life, and I see that I can pay $200 BUT get around a bunch of women without panties, I might be interested. And I might expect that I can behave a certain way. After all, I’ve paid $200!! Plus, the event host is TELLING me there will be women with no panties there, because the flyer says as much. So basically, I, as this creepy guy who doesn’t respect women, now have an unrealistic expectation of what I’m allowed to do at this event.

This demonstrates, in my opinion, that higher ticket prices aren’t about safety or weeding out bad guys, it’s about money….

As people who operate a lifestyle business ourselves, I don’t blame people for trying to make money. In fact, I celebrate it, when it’s done ethically. And using women to bait men to come to events is not acting ethically. What makes all of this even more frustrating is that this tactic isn’t necessary. There are SO many lifestyle couples and single women out there who would (and do) flock to events when they’re done properly. Clean establishments, good music, safe playrooms, and creative concepts could all be used to get people in the door in a way that doesn’t demean the female clientele.

I also believe wholeheartedly that most in this space, most who go to events regularly, are desensitized to the issue. They don’t think of a theme in terms of whether it’s respectful to women or not, because they’ve seen the same thing over and over and over again when attending events. They simply want to go and have fun in a sexy environment. I am writing this post specifically for those people. The ones that would call themselves feminists, that respect women 100% and furthermore would never purposefully support a business that isn’t putting the safety and comfort of female attendees in jeopardy. There are others out there who don’t care if a theme, dress code, or policy are demeaning to women, which is another issue entirely. If you fall into that category, nothing I say in this blog post is going to change your mind. So move along.

I have so much more to say on this topic, but I’m going to continue to formulate those thoughts before I share more. I also want to provide this disclaimer: Not all events are created equally. There are some fabulous organizations out there doing it right, and respecting women via their themes, dress codes, and policies. We applaud those sincerely and will continue to do what we can to promote them. In fact, know of one? Do you frequent a club or event group that is with the times and not doing antiquated, gross themes? Send us a message at mail@frontporchswingers.com or comment below! I’ll do another post soon sharing the findings! The ones doing it correctly and ethically deserve the recognition.

Allow me now to leave you with one parting thought: This is an issue that will be solved by money, just as it has been created by money. My writing and sharing a blog post isn’t going to change anyone’s mind. You know what will? A lack of attendance. Vote with your dollars, and ensure that you are supporting businesses that support a vision of equality and a lack of misogyny. Begin to look more critically at the events you're attending, familiarize yourself with their dress codes and the language they use about women on their event pages. And answer honestly: Is this a business that's in alignment with your values? It's a question that will need to be asked much more as this space continues to evolve and hopefully improve. Thank you kindly for reading.