I’m asked almost daily the exact same question from those interested in hotwifing: How do we start? And while the answer is certainly not “one size fits all,” there are some important items to be considered that I would say are universal. This article will provide some ways in which a prospective hotwife and hotwife husband can dip their toe into the world of hotwifing without jumping in the deep end with no life jacket!
Why do I say tiptoeing into the lifestyle? To me, hotwifing (and non-monogamy in general) is much like adding salt to a recipe. You can always add more salt, but you can’t remove the salt once you’ve added it to the other ingredients. Similarly, it is always easier (and safer for all) to start very slow in something as serious and potentially life-altering as hotwifing. Therefore, the tips provided will be with that concept in mind.
Tip #1: Start with Flirting
I still remember the very first time I flirted with a man in front of my partner, Brian. We were sitting at an outside bar on a nice summer day, sipping mojitos with just the right amount of mint. The bartender was so damn cute, and he was clearly eying me too. I told Brian as much, and Brian flashed a giant smile. “Why don’t you say something to him then?” Brian prompted me. I’m not sure if it was the two cocktails, or simply a wild hair, but I jumped at the opportunity.
When Brian got up to use the restroom, I struck up a conversation with the handsome man. I looked him dead in the eyes, smiled, and asked him how he learned to make such amazing mojitos, with just the right level of flirtation in my tone. He smiled back at me, and it was obvious almost immediately that we were both thinking the same naughty things. The flirting didn’t last long with the confused bartender once Brian returned, but it was still fun to surprise Brian with my brazen attempt. I told Brian about our flirtations, and I could tell immediately he was turned on…
That night, we had some of the best sex of our entire relationship. We didn’t say a word to each other about why it felt so fueled and hot, but we’ve since acknowledged that it was absolutely because of my flirting with the bartender. Now that being said, had Brian not liked it, had he felt unexpected pangs of jealousy, it would have been easy to cease further interaction and close the door on our discussions of non-monogamy. After all, all that had transpired was some harmless flirting at a bar. Flirting is easy to come back from. Sucking another man’s cock, assuming your partner isn’t feeling it? Not so much. That’s why we always recommend flirting in a vanilla setting as a perfect way to test the waters and see how everyone feels about the interaction.
Tip #2: A No-Play Evening at a Club
So let’s assume that the flirting at a bar went well. You were both turned on by it, and you want to move forward. Many couples will jump straight from this point to a full-on hotwife encounter. While that may work for some, we don’t recommend it. Another option: Go to a lifestyle club together, with the expressed agreement ahead of time that any play with others is off the table. Simply go to experience a sexually-charged environment that you’ve never shared with each other before.
During this club visit, maybe the prospective hotwife is putting on a bit of a show for her man, but again, with no sexual contact. Dance a bit, providing flirty glances back over to hubby. Or if it’s agreed on ahead of time, maybe a light kiss or two is allowed if the mood and opportunity strikes. These are all things that are much easier to come back from than full-on sexual contact should one or both parties decide it’s not the right time. This is also a chance for you both to see tons of different non-monogamous dynamics happening around you at the same time, to make sure that hotwifing is really what makes sense for you both. Pay attention to the couples flirting with other couples, the couples that only touch and kiss on each other, but watch others in the club. There are so many different options, and being exposed to some of them may open up some questions for you both as well.
Tip #3: Just a Date
Ok, so you’ve both decided that you do indeed want to find a single man to move forward with. Being so new to the hotwife lifestyle, I have one very important recommendation: Make the first meeting “just a date.” In other words, when communicating with potential suiters to move forward with, let it be known that you won’t be playing after you meet for a drink. You simply want to get a feel for the experience of her sitting, chatting, and flirting with another man. You can let this single guy know that your hope is for it to lead to more, but he must be comfortable with a zero-pressure first meeting.
This does a couple of things: One, it removes any undue stress that you might feel leading up to a first encounter, because said encounter is off the table this time. Two, it provides yet another opportunity for you as a couple to assess your thoughts and feelings. It’s very possible that both of you will be incredibly turned on by you sitting across a table from a single guy, knowing that he likely wants to get his hands all over the lovely lady. It’s also possible that because you are now so close to a potential sexual interaction, one or both of you may feel differently about moving forward. Take this opportunity to really deep dive into whatever insecurities or concerns might be running through your heads after a sit-down with a potential play partner.
It's important to note, although cliché to say: You MUST be honest with each other during and after these “testing the waters” activities. It is very common for someone to say they want something like non-monogamy, then have negative feelings when it actually comes to fruition, but feel guilty since they are the ones that wanted it initially. It’s ok to be curious, and it’s ok for those curiosities to lead to more answers about your true thoughts and feelings. There should be no shame in being honest with your partner about how these activities, and inching toward the lifestyle, make you feel. These items are simply ideas on how to ensure that both partners feel heard, respected and understood during the initial steps into the hotwife lifestyle. After all, as my man, Brian, always says, you can’t unsuck that dick!