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To Swing with Friends, or Not to Swing with Friends

My friend and I had known each other for 5 years when I saw him on a kink site. Our friendship up to that point had been incredibly vanilla, zero flirtation of any type. He invited me to birthday parties, we would have coffee once a month and discuss our lives, but that was literally where it began and ended. I always found him attractive, but I never believed it would go beyond that. After all, we were both married when we first met at my place of work. And even after our marriages both fell apart, it didn’t feel like a romantic connection between us was ever in the cards.

Fast forward to Brian and I being a few years into the lifestyle. I was, for the first time in our non-monogamous journey, doing the majority of the choosing and vetting of single men on my own. Having a BDSM background and missing the kinkier aspects of my life, I signed up for a kink-centric website, created my profile, and started interacting with some fellow kinksters. I came across this amazing photo, black and white, of a man caged. His face wasn’t in the shot, just his muscular legs and lovely cock, stuffed into a stainless steel chastity cage. I sent a like to the owner of this gorgeous shot and moved on, not realizing that the photo I had liked belonged to my above-mentioned friend….

He texted me one day and asked if I was available for lunch. We sat down together at a pub just down from where I lived, expecting that this conversation would be like all of ours: “How are the kids?” “How’s work?” “Are you up to anything fun this weekend?” To my shock, though, that was not at all where this discussion headed. He looked me dead in the eye, smiled ear to ear, and said, “I know all your secrets now....” “I have no idea what you’re referring to,” I sheepishly replied. He went on to explain that he was in fact the owner of the cock pic I had admired the week prior, that he closely examined my list of kinks on my profile, and that he was interested in having a conversation about the two of us exploring together. I told him I needed to talk to Brian (my partner) about it and decide if it made sense.

That evening, I broke the news to Brian. He laughed and said, “Well are you attracted to him?” I admitted I was, and Brian responded, “Then go for it!” “Yeah, but he’s a good friend! What if us playing together messes that up?” We went on to weigh the pros and cons, and decided together that I should move forward with play. I spoke to my friend the next day and told him I was interested in exploring some kinks with him, as long as we didn’t let it negatively impact our friendship. He agreed, and what ensued was several months of sex, cuckolding, chastity, switching, and fun! But much like I feared it would, it came to an end...

My friend divulged to me one day that he needed to stop playing with me, because he had started seeing a woman, and she didn’t feel comfortable with us playing. I told him I understood, but also that I was concerned that our friendship would also come to a screeching halt because his new girlfriend would be bothered by my presence in his life. “You know I wouldn’t let that happen. You’re one of my closest friends,” he assured me. And for a while, it was really like the old days. We’d meet up for coffee, we’d share work horror stories or talk about his family, no big deal. But over time, things started to shift. I would text and not receive a response for days on end. I would invite him out for a beer, and he’d come up with every excuse known to man why he couldn’t.

We never “broke up” as friends. I finally just accepted that our past play had indeed ruined our friendship. And that sucked. It’s also the reason I now tell people when they’re considering playing with friends, decide if this is a friend you’re ok losing. Because the chances of that happening are high.

Often I hear from people that they want to play with an old friend, or their husband’s dear friend, because it seems easy. They already know that person, they feel safe being with that person, and therefore the trust needed to have an ongoing play relationship is already in place. That’s exactly why I inevitably decided to move forward with my friend. But sex complicates things. The relationship between you and another person will absolutely shift if you introduce sex into it. Again, if that’s ok with you, by all means go for it. But if this person is important in your life, or worse yet, if you can’t avoid this person should things go sideways, you really shouldn’t engage sexually with them. Simply my two cents, as someone who lost a dear friend after caging his cock….

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