Before we started swapping with couples, Brian and I decided to hop on Kasidie, one of the swingers "dating" sites, to see what was out there. Honestly, it terrified me. From what I saw, all of the women in the lifestyle were perfect Size 2's, with perfect fake (or worse yet obviously real and still fucking perfect) tits and not an ounce of cellulite. Every one of them looked like the girls I hated in high school for being so damn perfect (yes, incredibly immature of me, I know).
Time to get real here: I've never been thrilled with my body. While I have attributes I really enjoy (like my eyes and ass), I've also been incredibly self-concious. Even at my smallest and fittest, I was a size 8 with thick thighs. So as I scoured Kasidie, looking at profile after profile of perfect physical specimens, I couldn't help but feel my anxiety levels rise.
It got to the point that I didn't even want to attend our first lifestyle event. Brian was supportive, telling me I was beautiful and that he was confident I wouldn't stand out (despite then being a size 12). I tried on 6 different dresses in anticipation, each one making me feel less sexy than the last. Of course, listeners of our podcast know how this story turns out: We walked in for the pre-party only to see 6 women, all of completely different body types. I was relieved, to say the least. But the sentiment goes far beyond this one experience. The point I am trying to make here is this: Being curvy, BBW, or anything other than perfectly fit can be a challenge in the lifestyle.
From my personal experience, the challenges rarely come from outside forces. I have never been shunned or rejected by anyone we have met with because of my size. I have also never had a playmate that told me they didn't want to see me again because of my jiggly bits. But the fact remains, every SINGLE time I walk into a room where I know I'll be meeting other swingers, I get self-concious. I start doubting myself, my outfit, that fucking piece of pizza I just had to have last night.
Now for those of you who are new to the lifetyle, I can assure you, it gets easier. My self-confidence has soared the more I experience positive reinforcement from others in the lifestyle. Both of my regular single male playmates, for example, are total babes that could bag about any lady they want, and yet they are constantly telling me how sexy I am. It has a way of shedding a lot of the insecurities and negative thinking. But it will never go away altogether. Maybe that's because of who I am as a person. Maybe it's because my weight has yo-yo'd my entire life. Either way, it's something that I know I will need to be mindful of for as long as we swing.
Alright, now let me be a total hypocrite: What's so funny to me about insecurities with women in the lifestyle is that I have truly learned that everyone enjoys a different flavor. I am a bisexual woman, for instance, that loves tatted, thick ladies. If there's some substantial ass for me to grab on to while I'm going down on a lovely lady, I'm in heaven. Brian is also into curvier women, but he also likes them short (good news for me!). I recently received an email from a listener who stated that he was a single man interested in getting into the hotwife lifestyle, but he almost exclusively prefers BBW women and was having trouble tracking them down on the normal swingers sites. We like what we like! And that's fantastic news for those of us who question if our body types are desirable in the lifestyle. No matter your size or shape, I can guarantee you the answer is YES!!
So ladies, as we move into a new year and decade, I proclaim that I will both work on my body in the gym and kitchen, AND work to accept my body for exactly what it is during any given time. I am going keto in 2020 and hope to shed about 20 pounds. In the meantime, I will do my best to enjoy the positive sexual attention I receive from some amazing, sexy folks. And I hope you will all join me in doing the same!