top of page

How Do Women in the Lifestyle Differ from Vanilla Ladies?

Yes, we all know the obvious: Women in the lifestyle tend to be far more sexually adventorous and expressive than the average woman. But from our experiences, there are also many other ways that, relatively speaking, lifestyle ladies differ from vanilla ladies.

They Tend to Treat Other Females Differently....

I've always had many female friends and have never had issues maintaining strong female bonds. However, like every other woman that has ever walked the planet, I've absolutely run into my share of catty behavior from other women. I remember distinctly a coworker I once had that would make fun of female customers on a regular basis, for instance. She was constantly critiquing their outfits, their weight, things they would say, etc. And what was more concerning was the fact that out of almost a dozen women that worked together, I was the only one that seemed to be bothered by this behavior. I once asked this co-worker, "Why do you feel the need to provide your commentary on other women like that?" After a very long pause, she responded, "I don't know, that's just what women do, no?"

That certainly has not been my experience with females in the lifestyle. This contrast was made most evident to me during our visit to a lifestyle club in the Denver area last year. The restroom was full of women, all of whom were complimenting each other. "What a gorgeous dress, where did you get it?" "I saw you dancing out there, I wish I had moves like you!" Not a single sideways glance was taking place. It was a cramped restroom full of women who wanted nothing more than to support each other (and maybe flirt a tiny bit too...)

My female lifestyle friends have further proven this difference to me: Every time I see them, they remark on how good I look as they give me a great big hug. Never once have I felt judged by any of them. On the contrary, they make concerted efforts to boost my confidence and remind me that I'm an attractive lady. That being said, with legitimate lifestyle friends, it's more than just telling me I'm pretty: They honestly want to support me as a female. I've had deep conversations with several of them about our ventures as content creators as well as what's going on with my vanilla job. Every time these conversations take place, I'm told things like, "That's amazing, I'm really happy for you!" And I can tell, they ACTUALLY mean it!

They Tell Others What They Want

Before being in the lifestyle, I lacked confidence in many areas of my life. I rarely, for example, told sexual partners what I wanted or needed in order to experience maximum pleasure. It was a problem much beyond just sex, however. I firmly believe I was passed over for promotions with my old company because I didn't speak up enough. I was so afraid to be seen as "the bitch," especially as a young woman working in corporate America. I was constantly telling myself to "choose my battles" and avoid any conflict that I didn't see as 100% necessary. In doing so, I would often allow the interests of others to become more important than my own.

Since entering into both the BDSM and nonmonogamous lifestyles, my confidence has soared! I had to learn how to express my desires and thoughts to both Brian and to many others as a means of ensuring that playtime was mutually beneficial and in alignment with Brian and my interests as a unit. Plus, I had more people than ever in my life highlighting the positive things about me: Not only my physicalities, but much more importantly, my intellect, compassion, and sense of humor.

My experience is certainly not an isolated one; The majority of our female lifestyle friends have reported similar boosts to their confidence and ability to express themselves in honest ways. They have learned that pleasure is an important thing and should be sought out via clear communication with any and all play partners. And as a result, they are having the best sex of their lives, both with their significant others as well as sexy friends.

They Can Speak Honestly with Others About Sex

In my "former life," I used to have wine nights with a group of ladies (all vanilla, as far as I knew). We used to discuss things like work, the men in our lives, the weather.....But almost never sex. In fact, on the rare occasion that I would attempt to broach the subject with the ladies, I was met with silence and looks of discomfort. I finally decided to ask one of my friends in private, "Why is it that we never talk about our sex lives? It seems like we discuss everything else, but no sex." Her response will ring in my ears likely forever: "I think it's because women feel like they aren't supposed to talk about sex openly with anyone other than their significant others."

Thankfully, my female lifestyle friends couldn't disagree more. They offer up many things about their own sex lives: What toys they are currently loving, hilarous sex fails, their naughtiest fantasies, and everything in between. Not only that, but they also openly encourage me to do the same! I'll say this, if you don't have female friends you can do this with, find them immediately. The freedom to sit with women you enjoy being around and trust AND discuss sexuality is incredibly cathartic. It makes me feel as though I have others in my life that understand that my sexual side is an important part of who I am as a woman, not something I should shy away from. In addition, I feel strongly that these open and honest conversations about sex with other women allow all of us to share ideas, creating opportunities for us to learn more about our sexuality than we ever would hiding it away.

Please know, I am not dogging on non-lifestyle women. I spent the vast majority of my life as one of them, after all. But I do appreciate greatly the female lifestylers I have in my life, for the above-mentioned reasons as well as MANY others. Each and every one of them has made me feel supported and cared for as we go through this amazing journey in nonmonogamy. Care to share your own thoughts on why female lifestylers rock? Shoot them to us at

2,671 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page