The first time we arrived at the naked pool party was beyond intimidating for me. We were only a few weeks on the road at that point, a few weeks since I had been sitting in the cold in Montana in 5 layers of clothing. In fact, I hadn't even had time to get a tan yet, another source of insecurity for me. I looked down at my pale legs, hoping nobody would notice that you could literally see my veins through the skin due to their opaqueness. I walked through the gates, dressed in a bathing suit I didn't feel amazing in (I had hurriedly purchased it at Target hours before, grabbing literally the only one I could find that didn't make me cringe). To say the least, I wasn't feeling hot....
I expected to enter the pool area to find gorgeous and sun-kissed women, one after another in perfect physical condition. After all, this was a clothing-optional pool party, and it made sense in my head that the women in attendance would have no problem stripping off their clothes because of their toned bodies. Surely women my size wouldn't be so apt to just getting completely nude, maybe they could have cover-ups on like me. I was pleasantly surprised to discover just how wrong I was!
On this particular day, just about every body shape was represented at the pool. Tall, slim model types standing next to beautiful BBW's. Women that looked barely out of college next to women older than my mother. Every age, every weight, every height, and every ethnicity, in all their naked glory. It was honestly so wonderful to see so many women embracing themselves by stripping off their clothes and allowing the sun to pour over their naked bodies. I remember distinctly getting emotional about it later that day, when I reflected back on what I had seen. It was proof that I needed to start a new journey of acceptance with my own body, a journey I thought I had already gone on. And maybe I had, but it was clear the journey was far from over being around these women!
I've always said (and meant) that every body type can be beautiful. I experience aesthetic attraction to women of all different sizes, and I know many others who feel the same. So why has it been so difficult for me to accept my own body as beautiful? It makes me think back to every play session I had where I was terrified of my play partner seeing my stomach for fear they wouldn't like my belly pooch. I remember so many times when I would have a sexy man between my legs, and he would go to lift up my lingerie just enough to expose my lower stomach. I would seize up, taking me completely out of the moment, and reaching quickly to pull my cover-up down enough to camouflage my perceived imperfections. So many a ruined orgasm occurred that way, and more importantly, so many an opportunity to be vulnerable with someone was lost.
Since being on the road, and being around gorgeous, curvy, confident women at the nude pool on a fairly regular basis, I have noticed a serious shift in the ways in which I view my own body. The other night was a perfect example: I had the chance to play with TWO gorgeous men. We entered a room, one of them went to pull off my dress, and I allowed it to happen with barely a second thought. It wasn't until after the interaction that I went, "Wow, did I really get naked with two guys without batting an eyelash?" For me, that's huge progress, and proof positive that I am becoming far more comfortable in my own skin. No longer was I concerned about my stretch marks, my muffin top, the flab I see on my arms. I was lost in the moment, eager to experience a sexual scenario that would leave me smiling from ear to ear. And it felt amazing.
I do think it's only fair to share here that part of my personal journey with accepting my own body does come at the same time I have lost about 4 dress sizes. While I do not believe the weight loss is 100% responsible for this shift in mindset, I also don't want to misrepresent the situation. Losing weight has been wonderful for me in that I now feel accomplished, like I am truly meeting goals, kicking ass, and taking names. It has a way of making me feel like I can do anything I am willing to put the hard work into, and that means a lot more to me than what a scale says. I really mean that too, not just saying it for the dramatic effects of this post!
Another huge step for me: We are going back to the same nude pool party next week. In fact, we're hosting the pool parties, so I'll be even more on display. I went online to purchase the perfect swimsuit for the occasion, and by some miracle, I found myself drawn to a little pink bikini! I haven't worn a bikini since I was in high school! I saw it and immediately thought, "That color would look really nice with my new tan! And that cute little bow on the side will totally accentuate my hips!" Not a single time did I think, "Ugh, my scars will be showing in that one." For the first time ever, I'm excited about showing off my body! I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that feels!
So, what exactly is the point of this post? I guess it started out as why I absolutely love being around nude and confident people. It's about more than that, of course. For me, it's been about self-acceptance and learning from my environment. To see people so eager to strip their clothes, their inhibitions, and their hang-ups on a regular basis has been cathartic in more ways than one. It most certainly has helped me in understanding my own desire to embrace who I am. I will never be a size 2 (nor do I want to be, in all honesty). I will never have the perfect stomach or the most perky breasts. But I am learning little by little to appreciate what I do have, and showcase the qualities I love about myself to those I am intimate with. It's a journey that I know will continue for a long time, possibly even for the rest of my life, but I'm ready and willing to push on.