Originally posted in ASN Lifestyle Magazine, March 2021 Edition
For those not familiar, cuckolding is best described as a kink in which one half of a couple is turned on by “sharing” their partner with others. It is often accompanied by some level of dominance of or humiliation toward the cuckold. Interestingly enough, the term “cuckolding” is derived from the cuckoo bird, alluding to its habit of laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. And it is apparently growing like crazy in popularity!
From completely personal data, every time myself and my partner, Brian, upload something with the words “cuckold” or “cuckolding” in the title, they explode! Whether it’s an episode of our podcast or one of our Youtube channels, people seem drawn to this subject. And we aren’t the only ones noticing this rise: Pornhub has reported an increase in searches on their site for cuckolding porn every single year since 2017. So, what’s up? Why are more men (speaking from that perspective for the purposes of this article) interested in their female partners being pleasured by others than in years past?
First, I’ll begin with an anecdotal example from a discussion I recently had with a man who proudly describes himself as a cuckold. We were speaking via Instagram about what turns him on, and why the world of cuckolding is one he is so drawn to. “I’m an alpha male in my every day life,” the man explained. “I run a successful business and am responsible for the livelihoods of almost one hundred people. So when I’m able to relinquish that control with my wife at the end of the day, it’s incredibly freeing.” This speaks to the reason that many, of any gender, who are in high-ranking professional positions find themselves interested in submission of any kind. It’s an ability to allow the stresses to go away, to stop making the decisions for a few hours, and to simply live in the moment.
Another possible explanation for the rise in cuckolding is the changes we are beginning to see in marital dynamics. For decades, most homes in the United States were patriarchal in nature, with the husband being the primary provider for the family. This created many power imbalances, which would also translate into the bedroom. With more women than ever entering the workforce, and often becoming the majority or sole providers for their homes, it’s interesting to note that shifts in bedroom preferences have changed as well. While most couples don’t consider this phenomenon consciously, it can subconsciously result in men feeling more comfortable being submissive or vulnerable in nature with their female partners during certain times, like while intimate in bed. I’m not sure I personally buy this one, but it’s an interesting thought, and one that has been brought up to me a few times in discussions with lifestyle folks. I would love to see research on this one!
I tend to side with the amazing Dan Savage on this one. In an article for CNN Health, Dan explained that cuckolding is about exploring taboos (see the article here). In a society where monogamy is so highly valued, it is only natural that many would be drawn to the idea of combatting that “norm.” As Dan so eloquently puts it in the article above, “Our erotic imaginations have the ability to turn shame lemons into delicious kink lemonade.” This coupled with the explosion of sex therapy and awareness of shame and stigma has, it seems, resulted in not only the self-realization of a desire to see one’s partner with someone else, but also to feel comfortable verbalizing said desire to your partner.
My hope, of course, is that no matter the reason for the increase in interest of the cuckolding lifestyle, it is resulting in more and more people chasing their needs for sexual fulfillment. As someone who lived years not living as my true sexual self, I know the importance of working toward the things that bring you joy and satisfaction. In addition, my hope is that more feel comfortable coming out to others as a cuckold. In the swinging lifestyle community, for example, there is still such a stigma of being a cuckold. In fact, often I will speak with people (usually men) who say they are interested in swinging. After speaking with them and understanding their true sexual desires, it becomes apparent that the type of non-monogamy they seem most drawn to is in fact cuckolding. The times that I have mentioned that term and my opinion to those men, it is most often met with anger. They typically feel that being a cuckold is a negative thing, something that makes them less of a man. Of course, I personally feel that this could not be further from the truth: Cuckolds are some of the most strong and self-aware people I have ever met in my life. So removing that shame and breaking away from the negative connotations of cuckolding is something we as a lifestyle community must work toward as well.
For more information on cuckolding or to discuss this topic one on one, feel free to reach Brenna at https://sexonyourterms.com or email her directly at firstname.lastname@example.org. And don’t forget to check out Brenna’s two podcasts, Front Porch Swingers and Sex on Your Terms!