Single guy: Hey there, thank you very much for providing your kik info. I look forward to getting to know you.
Me: Likewise! Can you tell me a little about yourself, aside from what's on your bio?
Single guy: I'm 29, work at the hospital, and have been single for about a year now after a long relationship. Just looking to chat and hopefully eventually meet someone fun and interesting.
Me: That's great, it sounds like we might be looking for something similar then. I'm 30, in a consensually nonmonogamous relationship (as stated in my bio), and enjoy interacting with respectful and intelligent men.
Single guy: Awesome!
Single guy: (cock pic)
Single guy: (cock pic)
Single guy: (shirtless face pic with tongue hanging out of mouth)
Yes, this was a real conversation with a single guy from just a few days ago. Things were going so well at first, and I was hopeful that this was one of the guys that gets it. So, let's break down what really happened here. And trust me when I say, I do this often enough that I can absolutely diagnose this.
A good conversation was developing with this gentleman, until I mentioned that I am consensually nonmonogamous. As so often happens with vanilla single men, he discovered that I am partnered and therefore assumed that sex is the only thing on my brain when having these conversations with other men. This point was further proven by the next few lines of our chat:
Me: Hey, I don't love receiving unsolicited dick pics. I would much rather get to know you as a person and leave the naughty stuff as more of a mystery should we end up naked together. Does that make sense?
Single guy: Well if you plan to get naked with me, you'll need to know what I'm working with, won't you?
Me: Not really. If you're cool and respectful, I'll probably want to get naked with you no matter "what you're working with."
Single guy: Now I'm confused. Aren't you looking for a hookup?
Yup, there it is. The assumption. No asking, but rather telling me what I should want based on my romantic situation. The assumptions, especially during that digital communication in the beginning, are so often the kiss of death for guys. They have heard of hotwives or cuckolds, but only via horrible movies or porn. They don't take the time to ask meaningful questions that would result in a deeper understanding of what it is I want and need as a hotwife.
Another recent example of this phenomenon was a single guy that assumed Brian would be interested in playing with us too. His second message to me was, "I think you're really pretty, but I'm going to have to pass. I don't want to have to perform in front of your man while he strokes himself. Just not my thing." My response, "Wow, you just made an insane number of assumptions. If you had asked, I would have told you that he wouldn't be in the room. Or likely even in the house." Of course, the guy tried to back pedal and remedy his errors, but it was too late.
I so badly wanted to ask him why he had those assumptions about our dynamic. Our bio on the site he reached out on said nothing of Brian's involvement in my hotwife play. In fact, it stated the exact opposite, that we are typically a separate room couple who enjoy one on one interactions over group play. If I had to guess (yes, I'm aware I'm also making assumptions here), I would say he has a very limited scope of what it means for a woman to both be in a relationship and also to seek out sexual partners. He assumed that it must mean Brian wants live-action porn. Otherwise, why would he allow me to have sex with someone else?
To some degree, I get it. Our relationship dynamic as a hotwife couple can be a confusing one. It's made even more confusing by the fact that every hotwife couple operates a little differently. This means that if a single guy interacts with one couple, he may easily draw conclusions from that interaction that leads to assumptions made in future interactions.
All of that being said, this issue has a very easy fix in my eyes: ASK! That digitial communication during the "feeling out" phase is essential to all parties understanding each other and deciding if it makes sense to move forward. It's also a time when clear communication is an absolute must. As a hotwife, I have the responsibility to outline what our dynamic looks like carefully, so as not to allow room for interpretation. Allow me to provide an example. I recently read back through some older messages between myself and a single guy. He asked what rules Brian and I had, and I responded with the following:
"Not a ton of rules on our end. We do require condom usage always, and Brian likes to know where I'm at if I'm away from him. Otherwise, things are fairly wide open."
Yeah not great. I read back through that now thinking, "If I were a single guy not sure about the hotwife lifestyle and my role in this dynamic, I would be confused." If I were to re-write that message now, it would probably read something like this:
"I prefer to meet single gentlemen with my partner, Brian. We like to sit down and have a conversation in a public place to ensure there is chemistry and that all feel comfortable with moving forward. Should we decide we're a good fit, the hard rules would be condom usage, playing at our place the first time, and no anal until I feel comfortable with you. Brian would not need to be present, unless we all 3 decide a MFM threesome is something we want to experience together."
It's about clarity. And it's also about not leaving holes that can be filled in with unfair or inaccurate assumptions. In other words, it is the responsibility of BOTH parties, the hotwife and the single guy, to communicate effectively. If that is done, especially with a guy who truly wants to be successful in the world of hotwife play, it can lead to amazing experiences and connections for all!