When Brian and I began talking about nonmonogamy together, the erotic excitement was almost too much to contain! We found ourselves staying up until the early hours of the morning, dirty talking about our nonmonogamous fantasies and allowing that to fuel some of the most passionate sex either of us had ever experienced. It felt almost constant in the beginning, and we knew that we needed to capitalize on all of that sexual energy by pulling the trigger. This quickly led to Brian finding a single guy for me to engage with, and watching every single second of it.
We’ve talked many times before on our podcast and in other formats about Brian knocking that first experience out of the park for me. He found an incredibly handsome gentleman who was willing to able to engage with me respectfully over coffee, before banging my brains out. Brian watched on and so thoroughly enjoyed the live-action porn playing out in our bedroom. And because that first experience was so fantastic, we both found ourselves beyond eager to seek out another round of hotwife fun ASAP.
Enter, Jay. Brian had vetted Jay first digitally, then over a cup of coffee. He believed that I would really enjoy engaging with this guy (although he now admits that may have been wishful thinking on his part). By sheer coincidence, we ran into Jay at a downtown bar a few days after Brian had first met him, and I was less than impressed…Physically, he was not my type (not a deterrent necessarily, but it’s important to note in this situation). The far larger issue was the fact that he was completely unable to hold a decent conversation with me. “Ums” and awkward silences punctuated our brief conversation, and I found myself very turned off. In fact, I was relieved when Brian returned from giving us a few minutes alone.
As much as I wasn’t feeling this guy, Brian seemed so excited by the prospect of me being his naughty little hotwife again. He talked about it for days, whispering all the dirty things he wanted to see me do with Jay. So I agreed to a play session.
Now I’ll say this: If Strike 1 was my lack of attraction to him physically, and Strike 2 was his personality and mine not aligning, Strike 3 absolutely should have been the way he showed up for play. He arrived at our door in dirty work clothes, stained with paint, and completely disheveled hair. I truly wanted to stop right then and there, but I didn’t want to come off like a bitch, or worse yet, disappoint Brian. Plus, I thought to myself, “His clothes are going to come off anyway. So what’s the big deal?”
For reference, this gentleman and I did play, and it wasn’t good. I won’t share all the details, because they aren’t pertinent to my point. When I look back now on that experience, I shake my head. I wonder why I settled, knowing that I deserved better. A huge misconception that both single men and hotwife couples often hold about the hotwife lifestyle is that since the dynamic is based on sex, anything aside from the sex is unimportant. I couldn’t disagree more. Of course, I don’t expect a single guy to whisk me away on a weekend getaway or buy me expensive jewelry. But I absolutely deserve to be courted nonetheless, even if that courting is simply a willingness to show up clean and looking sexy.
The truth is, if a single guy showed up TODAY dirty and disheveled, I would have absolutely no issue telling him to kick rocks. And allow me to clarify, this is not because I am overly concerned with how someone looks. I have played with people that I wouldn’t classify as “my type” with which I ended up having a complete blast. The issue with showing up looking a hot mess is that it shows a lack of effort, and a lack of desire to impress. I work my ass off to impress: My hair and makeup are on point, I’m most often in a dress and heels, and I always make it a point to be as open and friendly as possible with the guys I encounter. If a guy isn’t willing to do that same work, it shows me that it’s ONLY about the sex, and that simply doesn’t work for me.
I know I am not the only one that has found themselves settling in their play, especially when starting out in the lifestyle. For example, I had a fellow hotwife share a horror story with me recently. She chatted with a guy online, was very excited to meet him, and made plans to get to know him for a glass of wine. Their conversation was decent, and she agreed to accompany him back this place for some play. When she got there, his house was a COMPLETE disaster: Dirty underwear on his living room couch, smelly garbage in the kitchen, and bathroom she was completely unwilling to use. She was instantly turned off, but she went through with the play anyway. When I asked her why, she said she was new to the lifestyle at this point and assumed that because this was a sexual situation rather than a date, that she didn’t necessarily have the right to be upset about how disgusting his place was. Of course, she now has much more experience under her belt, and she now believes that this type of settling, of explaining away lazy behavior, is unacceptable. She knows her worth, and she communicates it to the men she meets by very respectfully and firmly explaining her limits.
In my case, I settled on a few occasions, all within the first 6 months of us exploring nonmonogamy. I was so excited by the amazing connection and communication being developed between Brian and me that I didn’t want to jeopardize that by backing out of situations. We would go on “single guy meets,” and I could feel the energy emanating from him, telling me without him saying a single word how much he wanted it to work out. He wanted the opportunity to reconnect with me after I had been naughty, knowing how much eroticism it would bring us. Of course, I know now that Brian would never want me to do anything I wasn’t 100% interested in doing. My happiness and sexual contentment is far more important than a hotwife interaction to him, and that puts my mind at ease when I do feel the need to back out of a situation for any reason.
I think it’s also important to note, I am not saying either of the guys discussed in this article are bad guys. To me it sounds like they both have the potential to be awesome play partners with a little deeper understanding of what most hotwives are looking for. Is it about the sex? Absolutely! But it’s also about leaving all parties better off than they were before. Part of that, for me anyway, is receiving respect from my play partners, and their willingness to show me that they care about how pleasurable the overall experience is for me.
To share your thoughts on this article, you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Don’t forget to check out our real-life adventures in hotwifing and swinging by checking out our weekly podcast, Front Porch Swingers!